welcome to the story.

Isaiah 58 "Shout! A full-throated shout! Hold nothing back--a trumpet-blast shout! Tell my people what's wrong with their lives, face my family Jacob with their sins! They're busy, busy, busy at worship, and love studying all about me. To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people--law-abiding, God-honoring. They ask me, "What's the right thing to do?' and love having me on their side. But they also complain, "Why do we fast and you don't look our way? Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?' "Well, here's why: "The bottom line on your "fast days' is profit. You drive your employees much too hard. You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight. You fast, but you swing a mean fist. The kind of fasting you do won't get your prayers off the ground. Do you think this is the kind of fast day I'm after: a day to show off humility? To put on a pious long face and parade around solemnly in black? Do you call that fasting, a fast day that I, GOD, would like? "This is the kind of fast day I'm after: to break the chains of injustice, get rid of exploitation in the workplace, free the oppressed, cancel debts. What I'm interested in seeing you do is: sharing your food with the hungry, inviting the homeless poor into your homes, putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad, being available to your own families. Do this and the lights will turn on, and your lives will turn around at once. Your righteousness will pave your way. The GOD of glory will secure your passage. Then when you pray, GOD will answer. You'll call out for help and I'll say, "Here I am.' "If you get rid of unfair practices, quit blaming victims, quit gossiping about other people's sins. If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down--and-out, Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight. I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places--firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again.

The Phoenix Project Blog Again . . . spread the word. Anyone who needs a forum . . . a community . . . a chance . . . to engage in conversation about God, meaning, and life.

An Introduction To Communion (service done in the round with all chairs in a circle facing a suspended cross) We want to welcome you to our communion service. As you can see, things look a little different today. And we did that for a reason. Today, we are going to shift all of our attention towards the cross and to the sacrifice that was made there. For some of you, that might feel like a bit of an uncomfortable place. But I think it has the potential to be a very hopeful place if we allow it. If we can really get our heads and our arms and our hearts around this today, what we will find is that the cross is really an invitation. Its like the old hymn says, �It bids me come and die, and find that I may truly live.� It bids me. It invites me. God is inviting us today. As we celebrate communion, He is standing here in this sacred space . . . inviting us . . . calling to us . . . asking us to respond to �this�. He�s asking us to do something with it. Too often we have kind of pushed the cross to the side. Pushed it to some dark corner in the back of our thoughts. Out of sight, out of mind. We don�t like to think about the cross. We don�t like to think about what it symbolizes. What happened on it. It�s much easier to ignore it. Or at the very least minimize it. You see, everybody wants to talk about the resurrection. Everybody likes to talk about the empty tomb. It�s so much . . . safer . . . clean . . . nice . . . pretty. But the cross isn�t really any of those things. It was really messy. And it doesn�t really fit the traditional definition of pretty. Because on it hung the King of the Kings, the Messiah, the Hope of the world. And the reason I think that makes us uncomfortable is because I think we recognize that our sins are what put Jesus up there. Our sins are what he died for. And that�s unsettling to us. We all like the benefits of the cross. But we don�t like the reality of it. The reality of what it cost . . . our Savior�s life. Have you ever wondered why the cross, of all possible symbols in the world, is the one symbol that represents the Christian faith? After all, it�s a symbol of humiliation, suffering, and death. Why would a religious movement want to attach such grim associations to its identity? It�s true, the cross is a symbol of death. But its also become a symbol for forgiveness. In fact, its from the cross that Jesus, in the face of intense physical and verbal abuse offers up these words, �Father, forgive them, for they don�t know what they�re doing.� That�s really profound. That flips everything upside down for us, in our world stripped of forgiveness, grace, and mercy. That�s why the cross symbolizes something more than just death. It symbolizes how we have the opportunity to be forgiven, to be made right, through the sacrifice that was made. Ultimately, the cross symbolizes the power of reconciliation. When Christ died on the cross, He tore down the dividing wall of hostility that had separated the Jews from the Gentiles. People who had once been bitter enemies could now become brothers and sisters in Christ. As people of the cross, we are forgiven people, but we also have the opportunity to forgive others. We must decide to daily take up our crosses and seek to live our lives with self-sacrificing, self-giving love, in the way of Jesus. So today that is what we are going to do. We are going to fully and deeply reflect on the cross and the sacrifice that Jesus made. Today we are going to respond to this invitation to reflect. Reflect on our own lives. Reflect on our relationship with God. Reflect on our relationship with others. And as we begin to realize how the cross is the centerpiece of humanity, the crux, that puts everything into perspective, our life, our relationship with God, and our relationships with others. We are going to respond. We are going to enter into the way of Jesus. That�s what communion is all about, a remembrance of the way of Jesus. Today is an invitation, how are you going to respond . . .

Spread the word.

Reading: Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, Exclusion and Embrace by Miroslav Volf, and rereading A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren for our version of Oprah's Book Club Listening: The Bravery, Damien Rice, Ella Fitzgerald, Sufjan Stevens, The Cobalt Season, and the band that just can't seem to get off my playlist . . . Coldplay Viewing: Arrested Development Season Two and Amelie

Joel Vestal, who started this incredible missional organization called ServLife, said that he and his wife joke around about their job. As missionaries, its their calling to go to the third world and comfort the afflicted and then to come back to the States and afflict the comforted. I like that. Kind of sounds like Jesus. Anthem of the oppressed and marginalized on one hand. And a prophetic voice to those settled in comfortable apathy on the other hand.

We Will Watch The Universe Die by Joshua Blankenship We were born in a time beyond time. We were born in the mind of God, so we were born in a time before time. Previous to the dust of stars we were made before Mars was a twinkle in God's eye; before million-mile rings went twirling by only to be caught in the arms of Jupiter. We will outlast those two and the rest of the brothers nine to watch the chest of the sun collapse upon itself and take with it time and day and night and every measuring tool we used to quantify... What did we call it again? Back when there was a word for the space between one point and another? Before we watched each solar system's stars fall in on one another? Now there's no more dividing rods, everywhere is God, everywhere is God, and everything is now. Now is all there is in the mind of God because now is eternity and then is eternity. And when is eternity? Eternity is now. We were not born to burn out bright. We were reborn through the firstborn of the wedding night of God and God and God. Everywhere is God, everywhere is God, and every when is now.

I started thinking yesterday about what the difference was between churches that look the same as other churches, and yet are drastically different. These faith communities, which may have the same type of buildings, budgets, and bodies (the Baptist way of determining if a church is healthy is to notice the size of these 3 B's) but be totally different regarding philosophy and its actual practice. I think it has to do with values. And by values I mean that certain churches live off of their values. They are rooted in their values. They have spent time deciding what was a non-negotiable. That if everything else fails, their values won't fail. They will be the engine that drives the church. Most churches don't have values. What drives their church, is a building. Come look at our new building. Our new rooms are amazing. Our new environments are "cutting edge". Come check out our new service. Our service is "contemporary". We have lights and screens and guitars and drums. We sing "choruses". We have "dramas".* Values don�t drive this type of church. Pragmatics drive this church. What works drives this church. People�s opinions drive this church (if people like it � they do it, if they don�t like it � they don�t do it, if it is a mixed reaction � they do things half way). And so the �marketing� (and I use that term as loosely as I possibly can) of the church has to do with how great the service is. Or how great the music is. Or how cool a building looks. Or how cool a youth room looks. But the difference, as I�ve hopped around on websites of churches, been to different churches, read about different churches, is that the ones that are real and fresh and inspiring and AUTHENTIC communities that feel necessary . . . are the ones that are driven by their values. So the �marketing� (and again this term basically has to do with how the �in� people tell the �out� people about their church) of the church has everything to do with the values. So its . . . you should come to our church. It�s a really safe place. It�s a really creative place. It�s a really authentic place. It�s a really encouraging place. It�s a really relational place. It�s a encouraging place. It�s a kingdom of God as you live, not heaven as you die place. These are the values that get communicated directly and indirectly all the time. These are the things that people talk about to their �unchurched� friends. Not the �coolness� of their music or service or environments. Maybe those things do play a part but they shouldn�t be what drives it. And the probably with those who aren�t driven by values. Is that the church is driven by pragmatics. And church growth principles are relied on more than the Spirit of God. And if Saddleback or Willow Creek or NorthPoint do it and it works (big numbers of people come, i.e. the �bodies� we were talking about earlier), then it must be for everybody. So the photocopy machines gets pulled out. And little copycat churches spring up all over the place. And this may not be a bad thing. Its probably a better option than most churches. But if all you do is photocopy because it works, then you never have to stop and ask yourself fundamental questions. Root questions. The serious questions. You just do whatever works. And when �it� quits working, you can just change and jump on whatever new bandwagon is rolling through. And you never have to stop and be contextual. Or indigenous. You only have to be pragmatic. And I can�t tell you how much I hate pragmatics. Pragmatics are for people who like easy and safe and numbers and who lack the ability to listen to the Spirit of God and the faith to trust Him enough to be driven by something much more meaningful than buildings, budgets, and bodies (i.e. numbers). The problem is, everybody loves numbers. Everybody loves having big buildings. Or a big budget. We like being a part of a big enterprise. It makes us feel important to be a part of some big machine. In a big organization, everybody can get themselves worked up into a frenzy (see my previous post on fear), and can create this strong tonic that can get really close to brainwashing or �cloning� (I know somebody somewhere is smiling at that). But I don�t really like that way. I like being driven by values. Some non-negotiables. That are life and death to a faith community. I forgot who said this recently, but Christianity has always been served best when at the margins. It is at its nature a grassroots movements. When it gets to big, it becomes a machine and we become its parts and the parts always end up serving the machine. Resources always go to maintaining the machine. Thoughts always focus on the machine. After all the machine is the machine. And we all love a good machine. But I love God a little more than a machine. And I�ve learned something over the years, when the machine doesn�t help you get the job done, you get rid of the machine. Most people just trade in the old machine for a new machine (again that whole issue of pragmatics; and I hope you guys are seeing the symbolism). But what if we stopped and asked the root issues of why we even use the machine. And is it more helpful or not. Asking these kind of questions would lead us to realize that we don�t let the machine use us and direct us and determine the agenda. If we let values set the tone, then the machine becomes a platform that we can use. But it is never the end. It is only a tool. We can not forget that. It is a tool. Tools have a purpose. Tools can be helpful. But tools can also be harmful. If you have the wrong tool . . . Just thoughts. Not a lot of answers. Just stretching things out a bit, more for me than anybody else. *As a side note, I love quotation marks. There is a certain sarcastic implication when they are used. Or they just mean that the term is so loosely held or means a thousand different things that the only way is to use quotation marks.

Its beginning to shift from it "should be" to it "could be" . . . Safe Environment Connective Environment Authentic Environment Relevant Environment Encouraging Environment Giving Environment Conversational Environment Relational Environment Learning Environment Artistic Environment Hopeful Environment Inspiring Environment See the best in things & people Environment Relaxed Environment - Not worried or anal Creative Environment Holistic Environment Engaging Environment - active in culture - move towards and out, not closer in, in fear - culture is either redeemed or in need of redemption - not sacred and secular Just necessary I like the idea of a faith community that feels necessary. As if something weighty and large and monumental is happening. Like you're on the verge of something so huge that at any moment, things could "tip" and this entire revolution of living could happen with everybody around. That's highly inspiring and highly hopeful.

reading: velvet elvis by rob bell listening: regina spektor (really interesting sound, if norah jones put beatnik verse to song and jumped on a trampoline while singing it), the who, nick drake, coldplay, wolf parade, nada surf viewing: harry potter, arrested development season 1, and :::cough:::cough:::: home on the range

I wonder what this map looks like today? I wonder how much map would be left if there was a dot for every Wal-Mart . . . I wonder how much map would be left if there was a dot for every church? I don't really like conquest. It's probably hypocritical for me to say that since where I stand today is on the shoulders of conquest. Everything I have. My position. My status. My spot (perceived by most) at the top of the ladder among cultures. But it does sadden me about what happened in order for my shade of skin and my suburbia ethos to be at the top. I'd give everything up if I could go back and make things right again. Colonialism sure was a grand idea. But for who? Who was it good for then? Better question, who is it good for now? What part am I playing in conquest? Locally, nationally, globally. Who am I supressing? Who am I pushing to the margins? What voices are being drowned out because of my voice? My anthem is wavering. Hopefully and finally fading. And the a new anthem is emerging. Help me to sing it. Help me to see it. Help me to become it. Help me to be still and listen to it. It's a good thing it never started with me because we would still be waiting. Thank you for those who are stirring with restlessness. Thank you for leading us towards the slow path of repentance. Help us get there.

a great and challenging prayer from a friend in england: King of kings, Lord of lords, almighty God, victorious Christ. We get so used to rattling off these phrases in church. They always sound a little hollow to me. Some might say that�s because I don�t really believe it, or I might kid myself that I�m just bored with tradition and that�s why they don�t mean anything. But that isn�t the truth. I have too many questions to ask before I can say those words from the heart. Like if God is so all-mighty, how come kids are being sold heroin 200 yards from this building? How come just about everyone on this estate feels alienated or let down in some way? How come I see Asian kids getting stones thrown at them as they leave their homes? People don�t need to hear empty holy, holys � they need to know that that holiness actually stands for something. They need to know that God is on their side. Jesus the king of kings isn�t too relevant round here � we know that any monarchy is always out of touch with real life. We need Jesus the healer, Jesus the local boy who helps people turn their lives around, Jesus the man who gave up all he had to sit down with the dirty unwashed outcasts of society. That�s the Jesus we need around here. I don�t want to see Bishops in expensive robes whilst there�re people who can�t feed their kids properly. I don�t want to go to church flower festivals when there�re people made to feel outcasts because they�re from another country. I don�t want to contribute to the church roof appeal when they�re homeless people living in shop doorways. I wanna see God walk these streets. And show us we don�t have to take this s#!&. If people saw Jesus as the Christ, it wasn�t because he paid lip service to the kingdom of God � it was because he was making it happen. It was because people caught a glimpse of a life filled with justice and joy. I wanna catch a glimpse of that too.

today is harry potter and the goblet of fire day. well actually, tomorrow cause it starts at midnight. but that comment should elicit greek "whoopah!"s everywhere. i whoopahed. have you?

What is God doing in your life? I think a better way of asking that question is what am I doing in God's life? Or even better yet, what am I doing with God's life? I kind of like this scene in Bruce Almighty, Bruce is sitting around doing nothing and yet complaining. Bruce is complaing about God not doing stuff for him and doing miracles. And God says, "A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. But what they don't realize is they have the power. You wanna see a miricle, son? Be the miracle." So its not so much what is God doing in my life, although I certainly think God still stirs, prompts, and leads me. But what am I doing with this reality that I do know and understand? What am I doing with God's life? Enough questions. It time to be.

I think fear makes a great enemey. I've heard that before. It was phrased in a much more intelligent and quotable way. I think a lot of people, organizations, institutions, churches . . . thrive off fear. If you can create enough fear about something, you can strenghten the allegiance or alliance on your side. I'm not saying people do this purposefully. But when you use fear to create a "us" versus "them" mentality, you can create an army of "us"es. If you use fear to paint lesbians, Democrats, hippies, drug lords and czars, pirates of all shapes and color, and non-Christians as "them" and "other", then you create a culture of fear. And you can never approach or have an exchange with any of the "thems" without having reactions based off of fear. So if you never stop to enjoy a relationship with a "them", or have a conversation and discover the mutual similarities, you scare yourself into further isolation. So when you see a beer bottle or a couple holding hands, or someone who isn't a Christian who votes Republican . . . there is this tendency to withdraw and coil further up into our corner. And like a scared animal backed into a corner, the only response is to lash out when we feel threatened. And so we either ignore the "thems" completely, or we lash out when we feel threatened. That's why evangelism is so jacked up. That's why sermons are so jacked up. That's why Christian politics are so jacked up. I keep using the "them" term because I think its funny and stupid and sad. I use it purposefully to show how trivial and dumb it actuall sounds. Because I really don't think the way of Jesus had this "us" and "them" mentality. He never called anyone a "them". Never. Not once. He never isolated himself either. And he never lashed out when he felt threatened. He took the discourse to a higher level or submitted himself in humility . . . as a servant. How does that approach effect how we relate to those who are different? I heard a story today. About a big conference a couple of years ago when some homosexual people came in and interupted the sermon. The "thems" were "gently" escorted out. And the sermon went on. What do you think the way of Jesus would have been? Its not what would Jesus do? But what did Jesus do? Perhaps he would have put down the notes to a finely rehearsed and aliterated 3 point sermon. Perhaps he would have stopped and invited them up. Stopped and had a conversation. Stopped and had a conversation. Where he would have taken the conversation to a higher level or submitted himself humbly as a servant. Not lash out as an animal backed into a corner. Fear makes a great enemey. Everybody wants to feel safe. I want to feel safe. But is safe what we're called to? Is safe really safe? Jesus isn't really safe. In fact he's kind of subversive (mine and Nick's word of the week). Kind of anti-thetical to everything. Kind of incendiary-ish. Fear thrives on our emotions. And the weaknesses thereof. You can get drunk on fear. You can live your life out of fear. Anal about everything. Worried about everything. Worried about everyone. You can even play God. Believing that time is of the essence. Fear can lead you to panic mode. You can drink it long and deep. The drink of fear is strong like propaganda. And before you know you have joined the drum beating. You have joined in the army that marches out and against. Not out and for. Joining the culture war. Thank you Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell for that completely useless term. I don't really like wars. Nobody wins in a war. Somebody is going to die. Somebody is going to win. And somebody is going to lose. I don't want anybody to lose. I don't think Jesus wants anybody to lose. In wars, somebody stands on top triumphantly, victoriously, looking down at the victim. I don't think God wants victims. I think God just wants his children back in right relationship. So fear doesn't really do it for me like it used to. Its quite cyclical and reactionary when you think about it. I like relaxed mode much better. With the framework that God is big and in control and I am small and am not. Its that whole "IT" thing I was talking about. God is "IT". And if we believe God is "IT" then I don't have to get scared. About money, about life, about people, about movements. I can relax and be me and relax and let God be God. Pretty novel idea when you think about it.

A quote I found from a guy named Vincent Donovan (I've never heard of him) in his book Church in the Midst of Creation. "According to Donavan two almost opposing worldviews are bitterly vying for attention and dominance; the religious view and the secular, scientific view. The former is still involved with the saving and redeeming of a fallen world, while the latter focuses on the creation of a new world. Too often, he laments, the energies of the church are spent in condemning sin and saving people from worldly temptations. What makes this situation so ironic to Donovan is that in fact the secular mindset is doing much of what the church was supposed to do, namely saving life on earth and caring for creation. "It is we who originally believed in the new creation, already begun on this planet earth with the resurrection." "We have to admit that after all this extensive and scientific scholarship, after nearly two thousand years of Christianity, the Christ that is worshiped in our churches, the Christ that is the basis for our church and all its faith life and activity, is no more than a Mediterranean Christ. That is as far as Christ has grown. European and American theologians see nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with the fact that we have not even begun to think of, or search for, the meaning of a planetary Christ, a world Christ. We continue to let all our efforts revolve around a Mediterranean Christ. We of the West have monopolized Christ."

http://www.newswithviews.com/PaulProctor/proctor82.htm I just threw up, laughed out loud, and cried simultaneously. HOW PAINFULLY OBVIOUS CAN IT BE THAT THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHER WAY?

Somehow, another talking head as tried to represent my Christianity to everyone by misrepresentating. Pat Robertson had some really dumb comments to make. How unusal? And I go to this one site a couple of times a week to laugh and remind myself how serious this "thing" and I see where they are belittling the loss of Kyle Lake because he was a part of the emerging movement. They even hint that his friendship with them is what possibly lead to his death. And somehow, these are the people that represent God? Don Miller makes a great point. One time he was in this conversation with this guy who hated Christians and God. And the guy asked him to defend Christianity. Don Miller said he wouldn't do it. He said Christianity means so many different things to so many different people. And that he couldn't and wouldn't support those ideas. Don Miller said he wouldn't defend the "Christianity" that many people equated with standing on tv and begging for money. Don Miller said he wouldn't defend the "Christianity" that many people equated with sex scandals and sexual abuse of children in the church. Don Miller said he wouldn't defend the "Christianity" that many people equated with white-suburban males and their political and economic interests. Don Miller said he wouldn't defend the "Christianity" that is so upside down in the lives of so many Christians that they turn out fake, bigotted, arrogant, and cold and calloused. I agree. I know there are good places out there. Good people who are a part of the solution and not the problem. But as a whole, I think Christians are doing more harm than good. That's a really huge statement and I've been thinking about it for a few months now and for the time being, I'll stand by it. Go ask 99% of the people who have a problem with God and they'll tell you their problem is not with God or the spiritual but with Christians and churches. And I agree. That's my problem. Why is it that we continually let the voices of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and countless other zealots of all persuasions, whose names I will not mention at this time, be the voice for God and our faith? I don't know if I want to be called a Christian anymore. The word does not mean what it used to mean. The word means republican, anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-anybody whose different than me. And since most people aren't religious, pharisetical zealots, that means they hate almost everybody. So I'm not a Christian anymore. I don't like the term. I won't defend it. I won't use it. I am a God-follower. Not just any god. But the God who creates, rescues, and inspires. The God of Israel. The God of the whole world. The God of grace. The God of love. The God who can not be tacked on to us. Some people used to call him, YHWH. It's an old Hebrew word that basically means "IT". Tecnically, it means "The Lord". But if you're a lord over something, you're IT. There is nothing else. You're it. I believe in the God whose IT. And for all of my friends who have trouble believing in God. In whatever variance that belief takes. Don't look to Christians who mess it up. Don't look to churches who mess it up. And if you can't see God clearly because of all the junk that has been added and tacked on and stuck on the idea of God . . . and this is a really bold statement . . . if you can't see God clearly . . . just look at me. Follow me. Live like I live. I'll mimic what a God-follower looks like. What kind of hope and joy that brings with it. How much easier and fun it makes life. How it helps your perspective when things go wrong and when things go good. I'm not saying I'm going to get it right. I'll mess up. I'll let you down. I'll distort the picture of God for you too. But look to me. Keep looking to me. Stay with me long enough so that you can begin to hear the faint rhythym of what I hear. Stay with me long enough so that you can begin to move to that rhythm. Don't buy into the lies. Don't buy into the Christianity that misrepresents God. Buy into people who do represent God and remind you of what life and love could and should be. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I don't blame you for being hurt or burned or let down. It happened to me. But I found another way that is different than the old way. I found an older way. The original way. Before we jacked it up and hijacked it for our own agenda. It may not mean much. But I really need to say that and let you all know that. If you're really bored, go and download Coldplay's song, A Message off their latest album and read these lyrics from the song. But don't read it until you download the song. I really think God feels that. I do think He means that. My song is love Love to the loveless shown And it goes on You don't have to be alone Your heavy heart Is made of stone And it's so hard to see you, clearly You don't have to be on your own You don't have to be on your own And I'm not gonna take it back And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that You're the target that I'm aiming at Can i get that message home? My song is love My song is love unknown, But I'm on fire for you, clearly You don't have to be alone You don't have to be on your own And I'm not gonna take it back And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that You're the target that I'm aiming at And I'm nothing on my own Got to get that message home And I'm not gonna stand and wait I'm not gonna leave it until it's much too late On a platform, I'm gonna stand and say That I'm nothing on my own And I love you, please come home My song is love, is love unknown? And I've got to get that message home.

Its crazy what a simple google search can lead you to. One moment you're searching and the next you stumble into a world of animal masks and mascots.

Pretty scary. I think.

I'm excited. You might not be able to tell because I didn't use an exclamation point. But I am. I'm going to the 2006 Emergent Theological Conversation. I'm looking forward to it. I know I'll learn a lot and be stretched and challenged. And that will be nice. But I am really just looking forward to a couple of days away to just think and be with good company in good conversation. Thats nicer.

Isn't she cute?

As a new season begins to take shape in my life and God begins to "flip some switches" that have to long waited to be flipped but have lacked the ability to release themselves to be flipped. As my heart churns and stirs and swells with restless anticipation and eagerness of what could happen. Of a dream and a hope finally close enough that I'm able to see some distant edges through the morning fog. What would it look like it? What could it look like it? What should it look like? What's important? What's valuable? What's necessary? I randomly walk to my shelf in my office and pull down a work by Soren Kierkegaard. Turn to the first page and I read: It is dangerous business to arrive in eternity with possibilities that you have prevented from becoming actualities. Possibility is a hint from God. A person must follow it. The possibility for the highest is in every soul; you must follow it. If God does not want it, then let him hinder it. You must not hinder it yourself. Trusting in God, I have ventured, but I have failed - there is peace and rest from God's confidence in that. I have not ventured - it is an utterly unhappy thought, a torment for all eternity. Surely Christianity's intention is that a person use this life to venture out, to do so in such a way that God can get hold of him, and that one gets to see whether or not he actually has faith. Christ taught something perfectly definite by believing; to believe is to venture out as decisively as it is possible, breaking with everything one naturally loves. But to him who believes, assistance against all danger is also promised. But today we play at believing, play at being Christians. We remain at home in the old grooves of finitude - and then we go and twaddle with one another, or let the preachers twaddle to us, about all the promises that are found in Christ. Is this not ridiculous? __________ In one place, I feel stunted, bored, fake, unfulfilled, untrue to me, untrue to God. In the other place, I feel life. I really do. I feel like I'm at the edge of something really large and dangerous and exciting and hopeful and inspiring and creative and bold and daring and . . . true . . . and fulfilling . . . and something much closer to what the kingdom of God is described as. The kingdom of God is here. It is now. One place invites me into that place as a very real and active participant in the plot, in the kingdom of God. The other place, well . . . it feels much more like the way the Pharisees did things. Its honesty. I don't like saying it. But I do believe it. And I do feel it. Lord, calm my restless spirit if this is just a reaction because of something I ate that was bad. Take these dreams away from me if they are for me. If they be from You . . . fuel them. Stoke them. Dare me. DARE ME! You know I want to take You up and You know it scares the hell out of me. I feel truer. I feel much truer. And the feeling is getting stronger all the time. I love You something fierce. Stay my wants and inspire yours.

I think its about to begin. Pray for me. Pray for us. I need wisdom and patience more than ever. I'm really, really struggling with some weird tensions that I've been able to walk away from for a while. But now they're back and they're pulling me. And I don't really want to be pulled, but led. Very noticeable difference you might imagine but very subtle to discern in actuality. I really need God to be God and to open my eyes to the reality of it all. And not for this to be some gross reaction to the massive amounts of Wendy's that I've been consuming lately in order to get free plane tickets. Its like when someone eats a massive chili dog from Dairy Queen and they start talking all crazy and stuff. You don't know if its the chili dog or the person. Right now I need to know if it's the Wendy's or if its God.

The point of all teaching is not knowledge, but life change. Even in academia and especially in the church.

Viewing: Arrested Development - Season One Reading: God's Politics by Jim Wallis Listening: David Crowder Band, Sigur Ros, Rosie Thomas, Robbie Seay Band, Sufjan Stevens, Coldplay

This is the best and most moving piece of art I've felt since Johnny Cash's Hurt video. I'm sitting in my office crying. Watch it at least two times in a row. And then watch it again. Sigur Ros - Gl�s�li

Un-freaking Believable. You have got to see this. Bible Poker Chip Tracts and self described as "ultra-cool" on the website.

Watershed Moment #4 ServLife.org Be Humbled Here My heart is so heavy. I'm just having such a difficult time processing my thoughts on loss, injustice, money, what I can do versus what I will do. So many things are just weighing in on me. A community who loses a friend and a pastor. A friend and community who loses a fiance and worship leader. A young woman in the Sudan fearing rape and genocide. A boy living on $2 a day. A woman in India who was sold as a child to be a sex slave. Man it's so messed up. And everyone is so immobilized to do anything about it. The government can't do anything. They're busy playing games. The church can't do anything. We're to busy patting ourselves on the back and either arguing about the color of the carpet and the selection of hymns or we're buying shinier things that attract "seekers". Both sides are missing it. American Christians can't do anything about it. We're to busy in our own little worlds running around trying to feel important. Important to ourselves. Important to our families. Important to our friends. Important to strangers. I'm sympathetic really. Because I want to feel important too. And I think a good majority of the things that I do (give love, serve others, etc - the things we all do for our family, friends, and strangers) are done as a disguise. Ultimately, a good percentage of the time, they are just to make me feel important, worthwhile. And so even the things that we think really matter . . . they're not the main things. They're not lasting. I think that's why Jesus said you can't love your father and mother and love me. You can't keep your hand on the plow and still love me. Those things are nice. They really are. I love my wife. I love my family. I love my in-laws, who are not in-laws to me, but family. I love my friends. I love strangers. I love my house. I love students. I love people. But do I love Jesus as much? Or am I walking towards Jesus with my head over my shoulders looking back to all the things that help me find my place in this world, my value, my importance. Looking over my back with my mind and heart still tied to the plow (such a great symbol for money) and people. I'm so overwhelmed with my inability to help. And the government's inability. And the church's inability. And Christian's inability. I literally feel the weight of this on my heart. And so I work with students. And I work with the church. And for what? To help people connect or reconnect in their relationship to God? That would be my answer. But then once they do that. Once I do my "job". Then what? Or better yet what are people getting "connected" into? Religion? Christianity? Politics? Theology? What are people getting "saved" into? What's the point if we're not doing anything? What's the point of its more about "us" than is about "them" (as if these terms even register in God's vocabulary when he looks at his children)? What's the point if we treat every day as if its the finish line instead of the starting line? Kyle Lake passed away. Early 30s. Three kids. Great writer. Pastor of a great church. He was doing it. He was living it. He was walking with God. He was making it happen. He was faithful. He was living like he believed God. He was engaging and changing the world. Rick Pearson passed away. 24 years old. Incredible worship leader. Got engaged while he was in his hospital bed. He to was doing it. He to was living it. He was leading people into worship. He was being faithful. He was engaging and changing the world. Josh Brown is living. He's 24 and married to a beautiful girl named Anna. And he spends his money on himself. He thinks about himself. He loves himself. He can't seem to get over himself. Everything he does is for himself. Serving. Singing. Writing. Reading. Learning. Giving. All ways to make him feel more important. More validated. I know when someone passes away, there seems to be some hidden glory in that. Their lives illuminate a little brighter. Their legacy takes shape and form. But they were still doing it. Don Miller has a friend who says to die is not the hard thing. To live is the hard thing. To die for something brings with it glory. Its easy to die for something if you believe that it will bring you glory. Would I die for my friends because I knew it would save them or because I knew it would turn me into a hero, a saint? Don Miller's friend says its the living that is the hard part. What am I living for? Don Miller says belief is not what I say, belief is what I do. What am I living for? What am I living for? Why are 2 "incredible, faithful, relationally in-tune with God" guys gone and I'm left here? The guys who were doing it. The guys who were living it. Making it count. They're no longer on this earth but have found their home and proper place in God's world. And here I am. Still here. Still breathing. My hand on my heart feeling this weight. Feeling the beating. And I'm not doing it. I'm not living it. God, help me to stand up. Help me to move into the place where your sons used to stand. Help me to love God, embrace beauty, and live life to the full (thats what Kyle said as he closed everyone of his messages). Help me to do something worthwhile. Something worth remembering. Not for my importance. But for yours. I hurt. I ache. And I am still hoping. I am still breathing. Help me to live like it. Help me to live like I belive that. there's darkness in my skin my cover is wearing thin i believe i'd love to start again and go back to innocence and never leave don't give up now a break in the clouds we could be found and there's nothing wrong with me its just that i believe things could get better and there's nothing wrong with love i think its just enough to believe don't give up now a break in the clouds we could be found rescue is coming and there's nothing wrong with you and nothing left to do but to believe something bigger and there's nothing wrong with love i know its just enough to believe -crowder Crowder sang this song last night at a concert I was at. Earlier in the day he helped write the obituary for his pastor and friend, Kyle. The guys flew out early to be at the funeral today. And they sang this song in the middle of pain and hurt and grief. And I sing it again now.