Most people just don't "get" me. Its not that I'm sounding arrogant or even feel it in the remotest sense. Its just that people lack depth of understanding to fully recgonize the complexity of me. I do the same thing on the flip side to other people. And I believe it is because we know ourselves so well, or at least in spending time focused inward on ourselves, that we forget that there are other people out there who are just as compound and layered as we are individually. My difficulty is in expressing just what it is that I feel and am processing in a way that makes people understand me in such a way that they agree with me. Not that I need people's approval, nor spend my energy seeking it. But I find that if I'm missing it, I doubt all of my decisions and actions. Even when they are not explainable, rational, definable, or any other word that I could attach to my abstract emotions. Because of this, there is a tendency for me to attempt to defend rationally what I know can not be defended rationally. In the face of such "discussions and/or conversations" with friends and family, I have to realize that I am not going to always come to the same conclusion that would logically make sense - especially in the eyes of those around me. Can I explain it? Not really. Can I even fully understand what is happening? I'm not sure. The scope of these questions lay in my discovery of myself. As I sort and move towards something [progress, emerge, evolve, etc.], I have to weigh the balance of what is right and what isn't. What I know to be true and what part of me wishes wasn't true. But yet remains true and right whether I deny or not. Choose to ignore or push away. No matter how much my heart "strings" feel rooted in something else, or at least still connected in a way because of care, time, and memories. Because overarching those heart strings to someone, there is a more intricate heart string that is rooted in the heart of God for my life. The thrust of it all is that God is in the center of everything. All equations, both big and small. He is the source of all upward movement. Meaning that when I feel like I need to move to something "higher", relationally, spiritually, emotionally - I have to recgonize that the source of that desire for something higher comes from God, the source of all upward movement. And as I move towards that I realize that I am actually coming towards God. Not an "it". Not an idea that I have conjured up. Not an emotion. But the source, center, and life of it all. The one who fuses me with passion and hope for things higher, all while moving through a path that seems lowly and lonely at times.
| Permalink | 
