welcome to the story.

Part One I'm at a frustrating point in my life now. Nothing is really making sense. I know that when I came here, it made sense. I had a distinct realization that this is where I was supposed to be. I had a complete peace about it. Now I no longer know. In a matter of 18 months, my world and perceptions have radically changed to the extinct that I no longer know what I am supposed to be doing right now. The God that I served and was aware of 18 months ago is not the God that I embrace now. God, life, church. My understanding of all this has changed. And its so unbelievably frustrating for me now as I try to make sense of my former views and my present views and how they relate to my future. What middle ground is there, if any? I wish I knew what to do. I think I would know if only I could sort out and understand the difference in my views from 18 months ago up until now. Understanding (at least enough to function) God and which view of Him is biblical has been such a source of conflict for me. The God of my youth and my tradition or the God that I think I know now. I'm torn between the two and am in constant doubt of both sides. My heart is to reach people. I know I suck. I am whitetrash. The chiefest of all sinners. And a horrible man of God. But my heart is to reach people. And I know I have a gift for connecting with people. I can bring God to them where they realize that God loves them and is a relevant part of their lives. When I share with them, I see it clicks with them. They get that spark. The light turns on, if only for a minute. The only problem is, I work at a church. I go to seminary. And I never get to engage the world with my gift. I'm serving at Northpoint, but I don't get to make substantial life change in the guys I minister to. But I know if I could just find the time, I could be used in an incredible way to bring life change to students. There are students in Snellville and Alpharetta who look up to me. Who respect me. Who I have a relationship with that I could use as an instrument to bring about life change. But I'd have to make more time. Get rid of some of my schedule that is packed with school and work. So I've been in this constant state of tension between what seems rational to men and irrational to men. Between staying where I'm at for a season or leaving where I'm at. And ultimately alot of what I'm working through comes back to my view of God. And to what is his heart on this. Well I think He speaks through people, who have all cautioned me to stay put. And I think He speaks through circumstances, which would indicate that I probably need to stay put. But then I also thinks He speaks through His Word which shows that God doesn't do things according to the rationality of men. And He speaks to me as an individual. And seeing how I don't have any peace or satisfaction about the present and since I am in a constant state of restlessness, I don't know what to do.