welcome to the story.

This is only my shadow journal. This is where I post the "safe" stuff. Their is a secret Josh journal out there that is a tangible notebook and it holds the deep dark stuff. Today, and today only, I'm going to post my journal entry from last night here. I wrote this last night after a little prayer and reading. Wow. I just realized that my worship, my motives, heart, intentions, my love for God is extremely performance based. This just came as a surprise to me because I'm such a proponent of free grace and I'm so outspoken against religion and all the works that it entails at times. But I was praying just then, and I asked God to make me count for something, to make me into an incredible man of God, and to give me a passion that keeps me consistent in how I flesh out what I believe. This may sound like a great prayer and no one may agree with what I'm feeling, but I know my heart when I was praying this tonight and in the past was not because God is the supreme love of my life or the overarching affection of my heart. Instead, and like I said, no one will understand, I felt like my goal in praying those things were not my love of God that was sparking me to ask for that. But that I would simply do great things for Him and be used in big ways. On the surface that sounds fine and its hard to even explain my realization. But I prayed those things so that God would make me like that in order that I would "count". In its essence, this is performance. It is sparked by love but its a hybrid love that is looking to impress God. While I guess that is better than no love at all, it is not uninhibited love that flows from Christ being supreme for me. If Christ wouldn't save me, would I still worship Him? Thats not going to happen of course, but if there was no hope of salvation for me, would Christ still be supreme? Worthy of my heart's affection? If I stripped my motives of "getting" anything in return (that being salvation), would Christ still warrant "getting" me and my worship? Thats a big question. Would I? Or could it be I'm (in my own Christian, religious way) attempting to do what it takes to earn or perform my way to heaven? If I couldn't earn anything, if I didn't get anything in return, if God turned His back on me or a cold shoulder to me, would He still be worth it? Of course its hypothetical, but yet it demands an answer from me. The question is why do I do what I do? The answer to the "why" is vital. If the answer to "why" is anything other than because Christ is supreme over all, then I have missed the picture of worship and instead enter into a performance based love where I get something (that being salvation or heaven). Purify me. Strip my motives. Tune me in. Unveil my real heart. For You alone are worthy of all of me. Amen.