welcome to the story.

Well . . . life is definitely one of the more amazing things. It's not always as cut and dry as we would like it to be. It's not always so crystal clear. Instead it's usually messy. Usually full of hopes that only to quickly become disappointments. But I think, possibly for the first time, that I'm beginning to be ok with messy side of life. The times when the tables get turned. The times when my heart hurts. I'm starting to realize that when that happens, it's usually for two reasons. One, it's God using that disappointment to shape me and teach me. Or two, the disappointment is because I set up my idea of what I needed as the goal, instead of God's. I used my perspective of what I needed, instead of God's perspective. I placed my will as the objective to be fulfilled, instead of God's. And I think that may be where I am right now. My heart and emotions and what I want, are telling me one thing, and God is patiently trying to get me to drop my perspective for a glimpse of His. Now God obviously wants to fufill my heart and emotions and my desires sometimes. But I don't think that's what He's doing here. It's hard though. Real hard. But when I see my diappointments through this lens, then I can more fully embrace the idea the disappointment and messiness of the situation, is something that is serving a larger goal outside of my individual self. And I just have to remind myself of that. When the crystal ball isn't so crystal clear. But to be honest, most of the time I'm torn. Because if I stay disappointed, if I keep my perspective, then at least I can still leave open the possibility of getting what I want. So instead of allowing myself to move past the hurt, I almost want to stay in the midst of it. Because even if my heart is broken, at least I can still feel. Even if the feeling is disappointment. At least then, I can still leave the door to my heart open. So there is this battle between staying hurt or rising above it. But the beauty of the decision is that it, like life, is not so cut and dry. And that's what makes life so beautiful. Pain, disappointment, hurt, everything that comes from a messy situation is a part of this beautiful process. It's a journey. It's a process. And it's one that I'm glad I'm on. Because I know ultimately, despite my battle to fight between these two worlds, I'll get the best. I'll get the best in a relationship, in a job, in a family, in love . . . and most importantly . . . in life. The words to God of Wine by Third Eye Blind ring clear in my head now. I changed the words around as kind of a prayer. Every thought that I repent, there's another chip I haven't spent. And I'm cashing them all in, where do I begin? To get clean again, can I get clean again? I walk home alone with you, and the mood I am born into. Sometimes you let me in, and I take it on the chin. I can't get clean again. I want to know, can I get clean again? The God of Wine comes crashing through the headlights of a car that took me farther than I thought I'd ever want to go. I can't get back again. I can't get back again. I take a drink and then I wait, the alcohol it permeates, and soon the cells give way, and cancel out the day. I can't keep it all together, I know...I can't keep it all together. And the siren's song that is your madness, holds a truth I can't erase. All alone on your face. Every glamorous sunrise, throws the planets out of line. A star sign out of whack, a fraudulent zodiac. And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room. She let me down, I said it, now I'm going down, and she's not even around. And I said no... I can't keep it all together, I know...I can't keep it all together. And there's a memory of a window, looking through I see her. Searching for something, I could never have found with her. And there's someone who understands me more than I do. Then a happiness I can't erase. All alone on my face.