welcome to the story.

I feel heavy. Not physically. But I feel like there are all these things weighing on me. And that I'm having to walk down this middle tight rope in an effort not to offend people. Or let them down. Or upset them. The Phoenix Project is tomorrow night. Our first gathering. For some of the people that are coming, its just a chance to get away and be around some good friends for good conversation. For others, its a place that they are already looking to as a place that can provide weekly/monthly encouragement. Others are just coming because we've asked them to. Others are fed up with certain things. Others don't even know about certain things. On top of all that, some of my closest friends. People who I've poured my life into for these past few years . . . they feel like I'm betraying them. That I'm letting them down. That I'm drifting away. That I've become cynical or bitter. I really don't know how to balance all this out. I feel really overwhelmed. Because I'm not cynical. I'm not bitter. I'm not drifting away. I'm not betraying anyone. I care deeply about all my friends. And it tears me up to know that I might be a source of resentment, frustration, or hurt. I think its a misunderstanding. I don't know. I just keep thinking about the kingdom of God. That whole idea has been sitting with me for a long time now. And it keeps bugging me. It keeps asking me the same question . . . is what we're doing helping the "reign of God" or hurting it? Am I helping or hurting? My job. My marriage. My speaking. My words. My actions. My money. Are they helping flesh out the reign of God or are they hurting it? Or at the very least hindering it? Or am I just apathetic to it? Are we apathetic to it? Have we grown so comfortable doing church that we forget what is important? Are we numb to it? That's a tough question to ask. Are we so far away, so far removed that we don't even know whats important? Which way is forward? Have we turned the church into such a machine that those who work for work in isolation from culture and in conflict with the kingdom of God? The kindgom of God is radical. It is revolutionary. Its always been that way. I'm sorry. I don't feel radical. There I said it. I don't feel revolutionary. I feel like I'm a part of this huge bulky machine. This huge sinking ship. This monument to a former time. Rendered virtually pointless, irrelevant. But God I love this ship. I've grown up on it. Its paid my salary for all these years. Its put me through school. Its given me a foundation. Its provided me a home when I was thrown into exile. I really do love the church. I really do love this big bulky sinking ship. I'm glad that God still shows up and gives beauty in these small places. But I'm not naive. It could be better. And it should be better. It has to be. If not, I don't think I can keep doing it. I can't keep feeling this heavy. Jesus said my yoke is easy. My life is inspiring. My future is hopeful. My way is revolutionary. My path life changing. And all I know is that there is a way that I've been entering into that is all those things. And there is a way that I'm leaving that is not those things. So the question before me now is what do I do? Stay safe. Stay with my friends. Stay in a place that feels everything but faithful. I can't do it. I'm sorry. Everyone that is "bothered" by all of this, I'm sorry. To be honest . . . I'd rather let you down than let me down. I'd rather not be faithful to your expectations but be faithful to God. Its really not personal. Maybe you'll understand one day. Until then, I lean in and embrace you with a hearty hug. I tell you thanks for the memories. Thanks for helping me when I needed your help. Thanks for standing beside me when no one else did. You have shaped me. You are a part of me. Who am is because of You. But I can't stay here anymore. Its unhealthy. I don't know what this means. What this does to my job. My friends. My money. My words. My life. "It is dangerous business to arrive in eternity with possibilities that you have prevented from becoming actualities. The possibility for the highest is in every soul; you must follow it. If God does not want it, then let him hinder it. You must not hinder it yourself. Surely Christianity's intention is that a person use this life to venture out, to do so in such a way that God can get hold of him, and that one gets to see whether or not he actually has faith." - Soren Kierkegard I have to. I do hope you'll understand.